Movie Critic Monday – Pitch Perfect

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Pitch Perfect

All this movie taught me is that the perfect guy has juice pouches and Rocky. That’s all you need to know.

For real though, Jesse is the perfect guy and like a normal girl Becca pushes him away cause shes scared of relationships. That’s very understandable seeing as her parents got a divorce and her dad married Satan.

So, how do you win that perfect guy back? Oh just watch breakfast club and then sing the theme song at nationals, and then win nationals.

Why i love this movie:

-Acca-scuse me?

-acca-believe it!

-Alright acca-bitches!

-“you have a toner for Jesse”

“I JUST GOT HIT BY FLYING MEXICAN FOOD!”

 

I hope that one day you will all find your Jesse and have tons of Acca-children

 

 

*Arianna*

Movie Critic Monday – Win A Date With Tad Hamilton

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Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

A girl wins a date with a douchebag moviestar. Said douchebag moviestar falls for this girl. THIS NEVER HAPPENS! A moviestar will never actually fall in love with a random girl from a random little town. SHES STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL! nope. wrong. im done. Also, this girls best guy friend is in love with her too. Love triangle much!?

This is a terrible early 2000’s movie and the only good thing about it is this man right here:

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*Arianna*

Movie Critic Monday – Beauty and the Beast

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Beauty and the Beast

This movie is filled with beastiality.. But seriously, an evil witch put a spell on a prince whos like 10 years old becasue he wouldnt let a stranger into his house. HE WAS JUST LISTENING TO HIS DAMN PARENTS! STRANGER DANGER MOTHER FUCKER!

Why do I love this movie? Because of this, right here

 

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*Arianna*

Movie Critic Monday – Sleeping Beauty

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Sleeping Beauty

This movie pisses me off. an evil witch puts a spell on a princess that if she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel, she will be put under a sleeping spell. Okay first, what a stupid fucking spell to cast on anyone. Second, She has until shes 16 to avoid spinning wheels. Thirdly, her parents send her out into the middle of the goddamned woods instead of just telling her to stay away from spinning wheels. Fourth, she pricks her goddamn finger anyway because she meets a stupid guy. Then she falls asleep until her “true love” kisses her. Bullshit

The real story of Sleeping Beauty is much more dark and creepy as hell. The king and queen couldn’t conceive a child, and so a frog came out of nowhere and granted the queens wish to have a child. They had a beautiful daughter and decided to celebrate. They only had room for 12 of the 13 “wise women”. the 12 who were invited granted Sleeping Beauty (Aurora, Briar Rose.. whatever) with wisdom, and beauty, and blah blah blah. Then the 13th wise woman showed up and cast the curse on the princess. Then, one day after the princess turns 15 the king and queen were gone, so like any 15 year old would, she started to explore more of the castle. She found a room where an old lady was spinning. She decided she wanted to try and surprise surprise, she pricks her finger..

Now, one version of this story says that the king raped her while she was sleeping and she woke up from labor pains and had twins. Another version says that everyone in the castle fell asleep, and briar hedges grew over the castle and no one could get in until the prince basically said fuck it, and destroyed the hedges, kissed the princess, and lived happily ever after.

My favorite version is the Disney one because the evil queen turns into a dragon, and who doesn’t like dragons. seriously.

 

*Arianna*

Movie Critic Monday – Anastasia

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Okay, i realize that it’s not Monday.. but i forgot that past two weeks to update this so i will do two today for your reading pleasure 🙂

Anastasia

If you forget that you are part of a royal family, just pretend that you actually are and go along with it until you realise you actually are a princess. Ohh, and that hot guy that got you to pretend your a princess is only in it for the money and doesnt actually like you. Sorry.

Reasons why i love this movie:

-Russian zombies. That’s all.

 

But seriously, this movie is amazing, and the animation is the best.

 

*Arianna*

Movie Critic Monday – Tangled

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Okay, this is honestly one of my favorite Disney movies. Ever. But that hot guy who makes a deal with you because he wants money, isn’t trustworthy. He wont fall in love with you. After Rapunzel realized that shes the lost princess, she married the first guy she ever met. I mean, shes never talked to anyone in 18 fucking years and it just so happens that the first person she talks to is a super hot guy who wants money, so he marries her. Gold digging bastard.

But, here’s why I love this movie with all of my heart and more:

-Rapunzel has never had and self defense classes and yet she knocked Flynn out with a frying pan. Props to you girl!

-Rapunzel see’s right through “the smolder”

-Rapunzel risked her life for Flynn, adorable.

-She uses her birthday as an excuse for Flynn and Maximus to get along.

-She kills mother gothel, actually Pascal does. Such a bad ass

-Ohh and i didn’t even mention how much I love Pascal. Best. Sidekick. Ever.

*Arianna*